PROVO, UT—Former Relief Society President Emily Jacobsen of the Provo 127th Ward was released last week, only four days after having revealed at a Home, Family and Personal Enrichment Night (Homemaking) meeting that she did not know how to bake bread.
“I regret every having accepted this calling, realizing full well the magnitudes of my shortcomings,” said sister Jacobsen in a statement released through a family spokesperson. “In hindsight, I understand it would have been better to admit this fault to the Bishop and receive my few stripes for turning down a calling rather than deceive all my sisters in the Ward, leading them to believe I was something I was not.” The statement went on in a feeble attempt to try to suggest to Ward members that while the stain of sin rests upon her, she hopes they can continue to see that she is a good person.
“We trusted her with our casserole recipes, with planning our activities, with organizing our acts of compassionate service,” complained Sister Audrey Compton, the First Counselor in the 127th Ward Relief Society, “and to think that all the while, she harbored in her bosom such gross disregard for such a basic tenet of our faith, this sacred element of the female place in the Kingdom of God. It shakes my faith to think we could have been so deceived.”
Bishop R. Kingsley “King” Peterson admits that at first he didn’t believe the reports. “You know how the sisters are,” he smiled, “They get all excited over such little things.” Bishop Peterson says he was reluctant to pull Sister Jacobsen in for an interview because she was otherwise such a model example of the feminine virtue in the Church. “She’s a stay-at-home mom, educated at BYU with a degree in family sciences, pleasant to look at, all her kids have gone through the seminary program. But it turns out she has some pretty dark secrets.”
Although the Bishop is constrained from divulging the content of his interview and subsequent release of Sister Jacobsen, sources close to the situation, on condition of anonymity, disclosed that she also confessed to not even owning a wheat grinder for her food storage. “Apparently she felt it was face-saving enough just having all those buckets of wheat,” said the source. “She had no idea what to do with it, and given the age of those buckets, it’s not likely anyone worthy could make use of it now. It will all go to waste.”
Her husband and children expressed shock when they learned of the great deception that had taken place right under their noses, but the whole family agrees that they will gather around their wife and mother in love and forgiveness, and try to coax her back into the full faith and fellowship of the Church. “She’s not a bad person,” explained her oldest son Michael, “she’s just never really understood the finer nuances of the gospel and her place in all of it. She can learn to do this.”
“I guess we know now why the bread she allegedly ‘baked’ tasted so much like Wonder Bread,” concedes her husband. “It WAS Wonder Bread. Here we thought she had mastered the craft, and it turns out she was just faking it. This will be hard, but I’m sure we can work through this.”
Jacobsen’s Stake President, M. Parley Twittle, speaking at last week’s sacrament meeting in which Sister Jacobsen was released, issued this warning. “It is a sad day when members of this Church think they can hide behind their callings before the Lord. You are only hiding from yourselves. The Lord knows His own, and weeds out the chaff. Sisters, go home and bake your own bread. After the block, I mean.”
The shock of Sister Jacobsen’s confession continues to reverberate throughout her ward and stake, causing local leaders to undertake a massive witch-hunt in an effort to ferret out other unworthy women serving in callings of significant responsibility. In a related incident, the Primary Chorister in the Orem 210th Ward was revealed to have no musical talent what so ever. A release is pending.