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Molecule Shortage Leads to Abrupt Halt of Resurrection

by Lemon Knight

KOLOB—The morning of the first resurrection came to a screeching halt today as deceased spirits fought over who would have eternal ownership of molecules which had been a part of both their bodies during their respective mortal probations.

Partially resurrected saint Lymon Walker was heard to comment, “I never realized how far my molecules had dispersed after I died.  Some of my molecules were eaten by a worm which was eaten by a bird which was shot and eaten by Lem England over there, the son of a bitch!  Now he won’t give me back my molecules, even though I had ‘em first.”

Walker, and countless others just like him, expressed genuine shock when it dawned on them how much of the old matter they had once been made of had since been incorporated into the bodies of numerous other organisms, including people.  “Turns out, I share molecular stuff with people from all over, especially New England, and with more than a dozen deer, some 75 ducks of various species, 3 elk, 104 fish (mostly catfish), a bear, nigh unto a thousand chickens, a mess of pigs, and the better part of a heard of dairy cows in Wisconsin,” says Walker, “And every damn one of ‘em are bickering with me over ownership of my molecules!  That whole ‘circle of life’ thing seemed so innocent in the Lion King, but I’m here to tell you, it sucks in the resurrection!” 

Joseph Smith was surprised to learn that he shared molecules with Roman emperor Caligula, and that some of his molecules were later passed around a whorehouse in Reno.  Brigham Young was shocked to discover that some of his hemoglobin had once belonged to an African princess, while other molecules had been a part of all manner of creatures, not the least of which was a jackass near Cedar City.

God the Father and Jesus Christ are frantically trying to bring in matter that was previously unorganized in an effort to fashion a slug of extra molecules to cover the shortage, but the debate rages over who should be required to incorporate these molecules into their eternal tabernacles.  Many at ground zero of this issue refer to it as “the second war in heaven.”

“It’s moot, anyway,” says Enoch, who was translated and therefore managed to avoid the whole resurrection fiasco.  “Until I can get all the Fed-Ex guys resurrected, there’s not going to be any unorganized matter delivered any time soon.”

In the meantime, Lymon Walker can be found scrounging for his old toenail clippings and beard shavings in an effort to reclaim at least a part of his molecules that nobody else wanted.



12/10 - absolutely brilliant. It made my day.  Daryl

Posted by Born Free  on  06/23  at  12:13 AM

Most disturbing of all are the unconfirmed reports of sewage scavaging. “Elohim is considering a whole chapter of commandmants to cover this abomination” stated Leland Pottersham, press secretary to the Big Three, he went on to add “Even though resurrected bodies are immune to this shit, the mental images conjured are certainly not worthy of Celestial Glory.”

What a hoot.  Thanks for the laugh


Posted by bigeddy  on  06/25  at  03:32 PM

I’ve long held that when I get called to resurrection I’m sure as hell not going for my original stubby body but I’m going right for the long slurpy fabulous cells of a super model.  If I have to spend eternity in a human body, it may as well be one that makes grown men do all sorts of stupid things in obedience and devotion. That way I can really RULE in my own kingdom.

Posted by Dahli-mama  on  05/01  at  07:30 PM

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